7 types of coworkers

As I wrote about in a previous post here & here I have had many many jobs. With having worked so many places I have come to understand the types of personalities I will work with on a day to day basis. 

Here are 7 of the most common I've come across.

​The Go-getter

If you are not a “go-getter” then chances are, your boss is wondering why you’re not doing a better job. The go-getter will come into the office early, stay late and generally cause you to look like you have done nothing at all, the entire day.
 
Typical conversation: “I’ll stay late”
 
How to deal: Ignore, ignore, ignore. You’ll never win in this situation. You will never be better than them. Stop trying. Besides, chances are half the other people in the office hate them just as much as you do.

The Manager

 
​The purpose of a manager is to make everyone else’s life in the office miserable. When stupid rules need to be made, they are the ones to make them.

If it doesn’t make sense, chances are it’s because your manager decided to make it that way. Why? Well, because they can that’s why.

Nothing they do needs to matter or make any logical sense what so ever. Remember, you're the one that's going to be blamed should something go wrong, not them
 
Typical Conversation: “Shawn… you’re late”
 
How to deal: The best thing to do here is pretend that everything is fine.

The Paycheck thief
​

This is the person who will do just enough work in order to make it to the next paycheck. They are neither good at their job nor are they horrible. They are basically dead weight. 

This is your typical middle man, the person hired to fill up the space because they need to. If you need help, don’t bother asking them because the answer is going to be a big emphatic “no”. If another job comes along, they’ll be gone by Monday.

Typical conversation: “Sorry, I can’t”

How to deal: Even though you know the answer is no, ask them anyways. May as well annoy them.

The sleepwalker

They come into work carrying an extra-large coffee and within minutes are at Keurig, getting a refill. By noon time they’ve refilled 8 times and still look like they haven’t slept in weeks. You never see them without a coffee in their hands.

You aren’t really sure how anyone can survive on coffee alone but you are sure without it, they’d be dead soon enough.

Typical conversation: No conversations. You are more than likely waiting behind them to get coffee.

How to deal: Have them try a red bull.

The Brownnoser

​A close relative to the go-getter, the brownnoser is different in one unique way. They’re still no better than you. Sure they try and say all the right things and volunteer for projects and try to go above and beyond but that doesn’t mean they’re good at any of it.

Usually you will find these people hovering around the boss, butting into they’re conversations and laughing extra loud at jokes that aren’t really funny. Mind you, they don't care anything about you or anyone else in the office. If you aren't management you just don't matter.

Typical conversation: “You look really good today.” And “let me get that for you”

How to deal: Just sit back and roll your eyes and be happy your manager has to deal with it and not you.

The Talker

Are you interested in learning about the intricacies of laying down sod? Do you often ask yourself, “How early do people that have dogs wake up to take them outside? Have you wondered how that new seafood place is, even though you hate seafood?

Well you’re in luck because you’re going to find these things out and a lot of other things you really didn’t want to know about. This person will tell you about every single goddamn thing going on in their life, down to the very tiniest of details.. .whether you like it or not.

Typical conversation: You’re kidding me right?
​
How to deal: Zone out man! Zone out!
 

The CEO/President

The only time you’ll hear from them is to congratulate a new Vice President being hired. I’m not kidding.

Typical conversation: There will never be a conversation

How to deal: Delete the emails

The Dead Weight

Seriously? How in the hell has this person not been fired yet? Everything they are supposed to be doing, they are doing the exact opposite.

They have exceeded the vacation allotment of 14 by 35 and have used more sick days than the rest of the company combined. Is someone late? It’s probably them.  Has someone made a grievous mistake that is costing the company a shit ton of money? Again, it’s probably their fault.

Typical conversation: “Yeah, I’m not feeling well”

How to deal: Oh god this is a tough one. Chances are the reason they haven’t been fired yet is because they know someone on the inside. So I guess count your blessings and be happy you still have a job.