"Hey? Wanna go collect rocks?" said no one ever!
Only they did say it and I was super fucking excited about this amazing new thing called "collecting rocks." Super fancy name I know but I was in.
Eddie and Dan lived in my neighborhood and were a year or two older than me. Though they didn't hang out with me as much as they did when we were younger, I still considered them my friends.
Well apparently in school, Eddie and Dan were having ALL THE FUN, because they were learning all about the wonderful, fascinating and dangerous world of.. get ready for it.. GEOLOGY! It was all they could frigging talk about!
Eddie: "The igneous is my favorite"
Dan: "No way, metaphoric rocks are way better"
Meanwhile you have me on the sidelines like
Atlantis Live Chat
Gerri: Hello. How may I help you?
Visitor: I was wondering if you allow service cats?
Gerri You: have been transferred to a live agent. I would be happy to assist you with planning your to journey to Atlantis. May I have your name please?
Visitor: My name is Wally
Gerri: Hello Wally! We do not allow pets of any type at Atlantis. The only exceptions are registered service animals such as Service Dogs/Cats. To register your service animal, please call Guest Services at 1-242-363- 3000 for details.
Visitor: I just said I have a service cat.
Her name is BellaFiora
Are you a robot?
Gerri: You are chatting with a live person. I read that you have a service cat. You service animal must be registered before you can bring her to Atlantis. Please see the previous response.
Visitor: I did. Then you sent me a generic response. No need to be so mean to me. This is why I have anxiety and BellaFiora needs to be with me 24/7 because of people being mean to me all the time. I was born without a left thumb so traversing this crazy world is well, crazy.
Gerri: I am sorry if you though I was mean to you.
Visitor: Is there an extra charge?
Gerri: There is no extra charge for a service animal.
Visitor: Okay. One more question before I go.
Gerri: What is your question?
Visitor: I know it's an odd question but I now my friend Nathan who has a service DOG, named Flipsy. Well Flipsy is allowed in the pool while he swims.
Would that apply to BellaFiora as well?
Gerri: No service animals whether it is a cat or a dog are allowed in the pools.
I am sorry the service animals are not allowed in the pools.
Visitor: I thought so. Do you think he was lying to me?
Gerri: I don't know if he is lying to you.
Visitor: Well, if you had to make a guess.
Gerri: I am here to answer questions regarding your vacations needs. Is there anything else I can assist you with?
Visitor: I'm sorry Gerri.
No. I will be okay. I will have my grandson call that number
Gerri: Thank you for choosing Atlantis, where water and wonder await you!
21. Verizon collections: How nerve wracking was it to know that at any moment, any one of my coworkers could call ME, telling me I owed money. Yeah, no bueno.
22.Computershare: This place sucked, badly. Answering calls where the questions were "My dividend ratio wasn't applied.... or "My parents died a horrible death, I don't want to be talking to you scumbag but I have no choice"
23. Cleaning out those donation boxes: Come on you've all seen them...
This guys gig was to take your trash, from these bins, bring it back to his warehouse, sort it and ship that crap to Mexico for a profit. I don't even know if he gave anything to charity.
24. Wine consultant: Let me start off by saying HA HA HA... okay now that that's out of the way, this is a typical phone call I would get,
Customer: So Shawn my good man, what wine pairs well with roasted duck.
Me: closes eyes, runs finger down a list of wines, stops at a random entry. "Sir, I would decidedly go with the 2005 Oaked Chardonnay."
One nice perk was the wine class I was required to attend. At about 4:30 we'd gather in a room, taste win for 2 hours, then go back to work with a nice buzz until we left at 9.
25. Hasbro: Yes the toy company. Try working in place where the only calls you'd receive were complaints about.. TOYS. I mean come on!! They'd complain about Scrabble tiles being too small, easy bake ovens not cooking properly and how the Robinson family shouldn't have won on a stupid tv show called Family GameNight.
26. Dispatcher #1: I had to find techs to work for next to nothing doing cabling and wiring jobs all over the country. "Can you do $40 an hour?" Person disconnects.
27. Dispatcher #2: The person before me was fired. This should tell you how well my short stint here went. I was tasked with sending out techs to repair automatic doors at businesses. Yay! Fun! They were so backed up that some companies doors were just closed down completely for months. Here I was trying to handle it all. Did I succeed. Yeah, by being asked not to come back to work.
28. REACH Inc. "Shawn, do you have ANY training working with 2 mentally retarded men? No? Great! You're hired!
29. Land/Deed Finder: To be honest with you, I spent 4 days training with this company and took a test in order to be hired. Got out onto the floor and it was like the previous 4 days had never happened. I lasted until the afternoon.
30. Blue Cross: My job was to sign people up for Medicare. You had to read a script verbatim and if you got ONE measly word wrong, it was back to the beginning. This got old really quick when you read the script to someone for 45 minutes and your manager tells you that you never said the word "the" and you have to call the person back and start over.
Shawn McGovern grew up on a farm 15 miles from Toledo OH. His life long dream is to one day visit that magical city and tell all of his friends about it.