Meeting the new neighbors

Prior to my 21 st Birthday I wasn’t really a drinker. Hell, on my 21 st Birthday I bought a keg that I never drank from.

This is the story of the first time I got really really  drunk.

I was probably 22 before I started to really partake in the pleasures of going out to a bar with friends
and having a few drinks. I didn’t have a taste for beer yet, so most of my drinks consisted of overpriced
cider or Jack Daniel’s sippers. Usually these would leave me with a nice buzz but was followed up with a
horrible headache in the morning from a shit ton of sugar.

Soon though, I discovered Tequila. Oh Tequila how I love you. Margaritas were my new ‘go to’ drink
anytime we would go out. I could drink 2, 3 even 4 Margaritas and not get completely hammered; it was
a weird, but a great thing.

​So one day, I’m at a friend’s house…

​I am not friends with this person anymore, so I will call him Sam, even though his name is Matt.

Anyways, my friend Jared and I arrive at Sam’s house and we are hanging around his kitchen. We were planning on going to the driving range and for some reason I wanted to have a drink and get a buzz for the range. So I am going through his parents’ liquor cabinet, trying all sorts of disgusting hard alcohol, Vodka, Whiskey etc. etc. One thing they do not have is Shawn's favorite; Tequila. Shame!

​Finally I come to something I like; Gin. 

I filled an empty 1 liter bottle of soda with Gin and we leave. I’m in the back seat, Jared and Sam are in the front and we are driving through the Myles Standish State Forest. This isn’t a place where there are a lot of people, or cars, or cops for that matter.

I’m just sitting there, minding my own business when suddenly Sam looks nervous in the front seat.
“There’s a cop behind us” Of course my heart drops to my feet.

“Drink it!” he shouts. “Finish it now.”

So I had maybe gotten a quarter of the way through the Gin, having been taking tiny sips because after a while, I realized that Gin is actually pretty fucking disgusting. I had to do what I had to do though, there was no way I or my friends were getting arrested for having an open container in the car.

I chugged and finished the 1 liter bottle in about 5 seconds. Now let me tell you, this experience may rank high up there in the top ten things in my life that I’d never want to do again. When I was finished, there was an uncomfortable silence before Sam laughs and tells me that he was just kidding.

Asshole.

The amount of time that it took for the alcohol to take effect was surprisingly short. I inhaled the Gin half way through the forest; I was shitfaced by the time we were out of it. 

Now the whole point of this trip was to go to a driving range called Super Sports, which also held batting cages, a nice mini golf course, go-carts and the like. This was just where you ended up back in the 90's. It was either that or the mall. 

We all had friends there, one of which was Sam's girlfriend. (I couldn't tell you her name if I tried) We walk into arcade and I can distinctly remember having a very difficult time getting through the doors. We lasted maybe 10 minutes before we were kicked out.

Errynne was a mutual friend among the three of us. She also worked at Super Sports but wasn't there when we arrived, so without anywhere else to go, they decided that we should go to her house. 

Funny story about Errynne was that when she had turned 16, she legally changed her name from Erin, to Errynne. I mean seriously, how badass is that. It makes zero sense, but it's 100% awesome in my opinion.

We took it upon ourselves to calling Errynn, "Ehr rha rhyn"

Me 'hitting' golf balls at Super Sports

“I need bread.” I announced from the back seat.

I remembered hearing somewhere that bread helps when you are drunk. I had no idea how it helped but for some reason my head was screaming for bread!

We arrive and I stumble out of the car as Sam and Jared go and get Errynne.

​She comes out with 5 or 6 slices of white bread and hands it to me rather upset that I showed up at her house shitfaced. I take the bread and take the smallest bite you could possibly take and immediately throw up.

What the hell man! Bread is supposed to help! I take another bite, vomit all over the place. Rinse repeat, several times.

She’s nice enough to get me a cup of water and tissues which helped, a little. She takes Sam and Jared aside, tells them to get me the hell out of there and storms off in a fit of rage.

Without any further options... my friends need to get rid of me.

"Meeting" the new neighbors.

They drive me back home and at this point I can barely move, I had passed out in the back seat, and luckily hadn’t gotten sick again. Sam opens the car door for me, let’s me out and is ready to drive away when I drop to the ground. I can’t even stand, let alone walk, so I ask them to help me to my door.
It’s around 5:30 at this point and Sam and Jared reluctantly help me walk across my front lawn, about a 50 yard walk one on either side of me. , my new neighbors had moved in about a week or so prior, and I had not met any of them yet.

There, to my left was the Mom, Dad, Grandmother, Son and Daughter waiting to eat their nicely prepared dinner outside on their brand new deck. The father looked at me briefly as my friends dragged me across the yard. I saw the concerned look on his face as he took burgers off the grill. In my mind, I hoped they wouldn’t notice me, maybe if I got inside quickly I’d be in the clear. My front door was so far away though and it’s even further away when you’re being dragged to it like a slug.​

See how happy they are? Oh... just wait

Finally, they get me to my door and I will remember this moment for the rest of my life.

I looked over to my friendly new neighbors who were facing me, now eating their dinner.

I tried to hold it back, I really honestly did but there was nothing I could do. With a few violent thrusts, I lost everything left that was inside of me and vomited it all over the freshly pruned bushes. I remember the father yelling to me, asking if I was okay, to which I mumbled something which was probably not words at all and slithered into the house. 

I can tell you, I avoided that family like the plague for the entire summer. Oh you need to go to the store but the father is mowing the lawn? Looks like you're gonna wait a couple hours. 

Let's just say, first impressions go a long way. That family didn't like me too much.