This isn't a story I would normally share. The problem though is I can't stop thinking about my stupidity with the whole thing.
So I start my day more or less (usually more) by eating a shit ton at breakfast. On this particular morning I had made myself scrambled egg beaters, 2 english muffins, a yogurt and 3 cups of coffee. You know, the usual.
I sit back in my chair and go into a brief, blissful food coma.
"Shawn" you say. "You're at work" you say. "Shouldn't you be working?" you say.
To which I say, "Work if they're watching"
It was at that moment that my body, as if to say, "Shawn this is bad. Get back to work" told me that I had about 5 seconds to get into the bathroom before it was too late. I bolted from my chair and stood in my cubical for a moment. Gas bubbles filled my stomach, and there are only two places those can go. I was going to make damned sure it wasn't going to happen down south. I clenched and squeezed, no way Shawn, don't do it... ahhhh, SUCCESS!
So I'm safe. I walk into the lobby where I need to pass the receptionist to get to the bathroom.
"Morning" I say and wave.
"Good morning" they say back.
That's when it happened. It was like I had blown up the biggest balloon ever and was letting air out of it, slowly, oh so very slowly. It was the loudest, squeakiest fart you've ever heard.
Oh don't worry, I had a plan. It was a split second decision. I decided that I would continue walking to the bathroom playing friggin trumpet sounds with my lips.
To give you an idea of what my trumpet solo sounded like, it was something like this
"Brrrrrppp bbbbhhhhhhh brrrhhpppp buuurpppppphhh"
Yes, somehow I thought my trumpet masterpiece would somehow confuse them into thinking I had not actually farted in front of them. I get in the bathroom and am completely mortified! Like for real, how am I ever going to face this person again?? What do you do in that situation? I'll tell you what you do, you avoid them at all costs that's what.
Fast forward to around 2 in the afternoon. For some reason, I start feeling guilty about the whole farting episode. It consumed my thoughts. They'd OBVIOUSLY heard it, how could they not have. I had to do something, I had to make the situation right.
Here is the jist of the conversation.
ME: <Sheepishly walk into the lobby> "Hey"
THEM: "What's up?"
ME: "I wanted to apologize for earlier"
THEM: "Huh? What do you mean?"
THIS IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED! Just go back to your desk Shawn, stop talking!!
ME: "I farted earlier"
THEM: "What? Gross!! Why would you tell me that?"
ME: "You had to have heard that" Again, Shawn, STFU! "It was so loud"
THEM "That's gross" they stop talking to me now, clearly uncomfortable.
So I basically made a bad situation 10 trillion times worse. My god! Who fesses up to farting in front of someone FIVE HOURS after it happened? That would be me.
Shawn McGovern grew up on a farm 15 miles from Toledo OH. His life long dream is to one day visit that magical city and tell all of his friends about it.